LEARNING TO FORGIVE
If you have ever met me you’d know that as a person, confidence in social settings has never been an issue for me. Well, I wouldn’t say never, it’s been a long road to understanding and caring for myself. Growing up as a gay kid in a small town is mentally abusive. Yes I said it, it’s mentally abusive. Being told everyday what you should look like, talk like and act like at such a young age can literally make you fall out of love with yourself. Why at 9/10 was I being pressured to be more masculine? I haven’t hit puberty, I don’t even know who I am yet. So why was I forced down a road that ultimately lead me to some pretty dark times. It’s easy to blame people’s ignorance and lack of education for their past mistreatment of LGBTQ+ kids. I do believe this plays a part, but most of all I just believe people are scared of what’s not the ‘normal’. Boys are meant to go to school, play football, get a girlfriend, get a stable job and eventually have a ‘happy’ marriage aren’t they? Now looking back, the friendships I made with certain people during my teenage years 100% allowed for me to get to know who I was, forgive those who didn’t understand and move on to become confident in who I am. Which in turn allowed for my coming out to be beyond positive.
Meeting a friend who was also gay allowed me to let out built up feelings and slowly start to feel less isolated. Looking back now, this friendship actually ended up showing me what you shouldn’t do when dealing with internal feelings like mine. At that time I hated myself and I didn’t understand why other people didn’t feel the same as me. So I would make them feel like I felt. Picking on physical flaws that they had to boost my broken ego and also, in a sick way to make them understand how I felt internally. It’s something I regret so much. Becoming friends with straight boys that understood and cared for me built my confidence up so much. As a 14 year old, having boys your age go out there way to show they care and want to be your friend is incredible. It does so much good to your mind, soul and heart. I came out on my 17th birthday, after drinking a whole bottle of vodka. What a way to come out I guess, classic. I mean I got it over with quick, as everyone in the party knew within 5 seconds. Still during that time like most people in the closet I was so worried about what OTHER people thought. I really want and hope people understand that even though this will play on your mind, this is not the most important part of coming out. Coming out (which I hope in the future becomes invalid) is something personal and beautiful in the sense it takes so much stress and weight off your shoulders. I remember after I came out, I had never felt such serenity in myself. I could look at myself in the mirror and fully know that I wasn’t carrying around a secret that after such a long time I believed was dark. When you set this secret into the world, the fire inside you burns so much brighter.
I’m now 20. 3 years since I came out I’m now finishing a degree in a university that’s over 4 hours away from my home. I’ve created this website that has opened so many doors for me both personally and professionally. I’ve made authentic relationships with people who allow me to be me, with my flaws included. I truly believe that after I came out, I naturally began the process of self love. I began to appreciate myself mentally and physically. Saying yes to so many more things that allowed me to meet so many people that have positively affected my life. I guess it’s a day by day thing to get to know yourself even more, I find that so exciting. Now, i’m looking forward always.
This was a very deep post so if you want some more light hearted stuff have a read about my favourite Autumn fashion picks here.